Well, it's finally here. Noah is having a hard time with Simon, and we are battling with some aggression issues. It got to the point that anytime Simon was around, Noah wanted to "play." Then, the play was always a bit too rough, and we found ourselves constantly reminding him to be gentle with Simon. Then, he would run and slide into Simon, then sit a little too close, and partly on top of him. Then, the hitting and kicking started with Bianca. It continued with us. He is clearly testing us, and it is a really tough test!
A few nights ago, he told me that when Bianca is here, he makes Simon sad. I said, "how do you do that?" He said, "I pinch his cheeks." I said, "how do you think that makes him feel?" His answer, "sad." "How does it make you feel?" "Well, my body thinks it's happy."
We have talked about his body before, as in, "listen to your body. If you are tired, you can go to sleep. Don't fight it." I think it's his way of conceptualizing two opposing thoughts/feelings at the same time. I can tell he feels sad because he hurt his brother, but also happy/satisfied for doing so. Of course, this is totally normal. But, of course, it is also totally unacceptable!
While time outs worked for us for a while, they seem to have lost their effectiveness. First, we did them in our room (because we can keep the door closed), but he has finally figured out that he can start going through our stuff while in there, rather than being in time out. So this is no longer a viable option. Second, he just doesn't seem to respond to them anymore.
So, I have turned to the approach of Positive Discipline (I'm reading the book by Jane Nelson) to see what they have to say. The points are very good ones, and they totally resonate. Parents need to be firm but kind (not strict, and not pushovers). Children's behavior is goal-driven, and their primary goal is to have a sense of belonging and significance. So, if they misbehave, it is because they are confused about their place/role in the family. Punishment is ineffective because it leads to thoughts of resentment, revenge, trying to get away with it next time, or feeling inadequate. This also resonates -- who ever remembers the "crime" for which they were punished as a child? Usually, only the punishment remains in our memory.
There are 4 different types of misbehavior -- undue attention, misguided power, revenge seeking, and feelings of inadequacy. Again, Noah's behavior clearly falls into these first two categories. The book suggests you can know which one it is by how you feel when they misbehave. If you feel annoyed, it is probably undue attention. If you feel like you want to control them or win, it is a power struggle.
The suggested ways of dealing with them are helpful. For example, for power struggles, it suggests saying, I can see we are in a power struggle. Let's take a break and see if we can try to come to a solution. Then, problem solving. You want x. I want y. How can we both come out winning? It gives children and adults control rather than pitting one against the other.
For both of the relevant categories, it suggests trying to win them over. This means first, stating. I've noticed you've been doing x. I imagine you are feeling y. I understand how you could feel that way. I felt that way when.... But, we need to do z. How do you think we can get there?
Okay, so this is total over-simplification, but it is helpful. Another hugely important approach is to fill up your child's love and positive power basket! It suggests spending alone time with the child (we've all heard that one before) and allowing lots of positive power opportunities. So, invite them to help you with tasks (even though you probably don't need any help).
I was a little at a loss of how to deal with Noah's behavior in the moment. Do we punish? Obviously, I don't want him to get away with it! But, I do believe that truly at the core of the action are his feelings of worry about being loved, about feeling replaced. So, it really does make sense to address those feelings. Then, the misbehavior in theory will resolve itself.
On Thursday and Friday this week, I had the day off, since my babysitter could not work those days. On Friday, I focused very definitely on positive power. I asked him to help me squeeze the glue to fix a toy, to tape up a package I needed to mail, to help protect Simon as he was trying to climb up and down the stairs (I let him stand right behind him instead of me, and asked him to make sure he didn't fall), I asked him to feed Simon. All of these tasks give him a sense of power, importance. I think helping with Simon is particularly important, because it converts him to a role of caregiver rather than aggressor. Obviously, doing this at moments when he is happy and there is no conflict is key!
I also talked with Noah about his feelings in the evenings when Simon was asleep. I told him I thought he was feeling like Simon was getting more attention that he wanted, which was why he was throwing things at Simon. I let him know other things he could do instead, like ask for attention, or ask for a hug. I told him he would get the attention if he tried this approach instead.
So Thursday was still a challenge, before I was really trying to do the positive power. But Friday was so much better! Even just a small change in my approach, and he was not antagonizing his brother! (Of course, one other major difference on Friday was that he was with me instead of his babysitter after preschool pick-up at 12.) I think we went the whole day with no aggression, until Nano got home. At that point, I went upstairs to do something, and Simon was screaming a lot (his way of calling attention to his discomfort), so Noah hit him. I think in this case, it was truly just a bad choice on how to deal with being annoyed by his brother, rather than trying to get attention. (Which I think needs another discipline approach entirely!) Overall, though, the approach seems to be helping. Ironically, I had read about and implemented this approach before, when things had gotten a bit rough, and it really helped. Yet, I had let things slip, as I guess we always do when we get wrapped up in the rest of life.
I really hope things get better! I'm pretty sure it is just a phase, but how we deal with it will be important to our future battles/challenges.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
What they are doing
It occurs to me that time with these young tots is flying, and before I know it, I won't remember what it was like when they were little! So, I'm going to do my best to get on here to write for my own benefit!
Simon is a sweet little character with lots of smiles, though his laughs are more discriminating. Lately, we have been playing a game in the tub where he stands up and places a toy in my mouth, then, I shoot it out in a surprising way. He finds this hilarious. He then plops back down into the tub and collects the toy, all to be repeated again, and again, and again. He hates to have his diaper put on, and hates to be still to sit on the toilet (yes, we are still catching about 99 percent of his poop in the pot), so we have to be armed with toys, books, or something else of interest if we want him to be still. When I get home in the afternoon, he comes crawling over to me, whining, as he has clearly missed me during the day. He often goes through bouts where he wants to get down, but as soon as we put him down, he wants to be picked up. He wants to explore, or find a toy, but wants to come right back to our arms.
Sometimes, after I get to "sleep in" a bit, he will smile a huge, radiant ray of sun across his cheeks when he sees me again in the morning. This is great sweetness! He likes songs and loves books, and loves to crawl up the stairs (still can't go down safely). However, he spends a lot of time watching what is going on around him, as I deal with Noah much of the time I am with him. Life as a second child sure is different!
When Nano gets home, Simon cries to be held by his papa! He shines that bright smile to be held and loved by his awesome dad!
When he nurses, he likes to have something in his hands. Sometimes it's a blanket, sometimes it's his own hands, and sometimes it's mine. Noah used to stroke my hair, but it is now too short for a nursling to reach. He is not a big nurser, and often will not sit still long enough to nurse when I get home (despite really needing the comfort and caloric re-charge). On week days, he oftentimes just nurses twice the whole day.
We had the 12 month visit, and he has dropped to 25th percentile for weight (40th for height). The doctor was mildly concerned, since he has dropped in percentile the last 3 visits, and was born at 90th percentile. I know my working more has a lot to do with it, as he is nursing less. She suggested introducing dairy. We tried for a few days, and then stopped, since he was wakeful and hard to settle in the night. We'll give it another try soon.
Meanwhile, Noah is amazing. He can count to forty, he can write his name, and he can sound out a few words. He likes learning, and I am always emphasizing to him that we learn by asking questions, and even adults are always learning. He also has a keen sense of his own emotions. Around Halloween, he was afraid of one of the houses nearby, as it was strewn with gravestones and skeletons. He shielded his eyes when walking by for the first few times, and then, he said, "maybe if I look at it a lot, I will think it is funny." Then, he wanted to try looking at it. After a couple of times, he was ready to look at it in detail. Then, he was fine, and thought it was fun. He tells me he loves me often, as well as his other family members. He still loves his school, and has started saying that he has friends there, "I have three friends: Jack, Liam, and Kenny."
The other day, Noah took a pair of sewing scissors to Nano's headphones, unbeknownst to us. One morning, Nano discovered the headphones clipped, rendered inoperable. He asked me what had happened, and I said I thought it was Noah. I suggested that he handle it by asking Noah, "Do you know anything about this?" Nano brought it up with Noah in that way, who responded, "Um, maybe someone cut it or something? I think maybe it was Simon." Then, he brought him over to Simon's jumper toy, and said, "Look!" There was another thing destroyed -- the strap holding up the seat was 1/4 of the way snipped. Nano didn't say anything else.
Later, I approached Noah, and said, "Noah, I think you cut Papa's headphones, and Simon's toy. It's not okay to cut things. Scissors are for cutting paper. If you want to experiment, and practice cutting other things, you have to tell me, and I can help you find something. It's not okay to play with scissors. I'm going to have to keep them far away from you until I can trust you again. I'm going to keep them up here in the cabinet. Do you think that's a good place?" (He has been known to try to reach in the tall cabinet with a chair.) "Um, maybe you should put it up on the refrigerator," he answered.
I took this approach thanks to the research suggesting that all children learn to lie, and that it is actually a normal part of development. Rather than trying to get them to admit it, they say to just say what you think happened, and what the consequence is. This advice was right on!
Today, Scarlett came to visit, and she wanted to play with the clown game, one in which you balance balls on the clown, and try not to make him topple over. Noah adamantly said, "no!" It became a match of wills, and started to escalate. I said to him, "Noah, Scarlett really wants to play with this game, but you don't want to. Can you tell me what the problem is? Why do you not want to play?" He said, "The clown always falls down!" So, I said, "Can you think of what we can do? Maybe you can play with these pieces, but leave the clown in the box?" They both agreed and went to play happily. Well, that is, until Noah's version of the game was to then knock over Scarlett's pieces, which made her very angry!
Parenting a 3 year old is constantly negotiating, putting out fires, trying to be creative, trying to keep a general semblance of normalcy, and constantly picking up what looks like the remains of a tornado running through the house. It is exhausting, though of course, also rewarding! It is really hard to be "on" all the time, and successfully deal with all the behavioral stuff. My most recent challenge is how to deal with Noah being too rough with Simon. He will slide into him, roll over onto him, and push him down. Most of the time, it is really just a simple issue of him not knowing his own strength, but not being willing to modify it. I'm going to have to think about how to deal with this one!
Simon is a sweet little character with lots of smiles, though his laughs are more discriminating. Lately, we have been playing a game in the tub where he stands up and places a toy in my mouth, then, I shoot it out in a surprising way. He finds this hilarious. He then plops back down into the tub and collects the toy, all to be repeated again, and again, and again. He hates to have his diaper put on, and hates to be still to sit on the toilet (yes, we are still catching about 99 percent of his poop in the pot), so we have to be armed with toys, books, or something else of interest if we want him to be still. When I get home in the afternoon, he comes crawling over to me, whining, as he has clearly missed me during the day. He often goes through bouts where he wants to get down, but as soon as we put him down, he wants to be picked up. He wants to explore, or find a toy, but wants to come right back to our arms.
Sometimes, after I get to "sleep in" a bit, he will smile a huge, radiant ray of sun across his cheeks when he sees me again in the morning. This is great sweetness! He likes songs and loves books, and loves to crawl up the stairs (still can't go down safely). However, he spends a lot of time watching what is going on around him, as I deal with Noah much of the time I am with him. Life as a second child sure is different!
When Nano gets home, Simon cries to be held by his papa! He shines that bright smile to be held and loved by his awesome dad!
When he nurses, he likes to have something in his hands. Sometimes it's a blanket, sometimes it's his own hands, and sometimes it's mine. Noah used to stroke my hair, but it is now too short for a nursling to reach. He is not a big nurser, and often will not sit still long enough to nurse when I get home (despite really needing the comfort and caloric re-charge). On week days, he oftentimes just nurses twice the whole day.
We had the 12 month visit, and he has dropped to 25th percentile for weight (40th for height). The doctor was mildly concerned, since he has dropped in percentile the last 3 visits, and was born at 90th percentile. I know my working more has a lot to do with it, as he is nursing less. She suggested introducing dairy. We tried for a few days, and then stopped, since he was wakeful and hard to settle in the night. We'll give it another try soon.
Meanwhile, Noah is amazing. He can count to forty, he can write his name, and he can sound out a few words. He likes learning, and I am always emphasizing to him that we learn by asking questions, and even adults are always learning. He also has a keen sense of his own emotions. Around Halloween, he was afraid of one of the houses nearby, as it was strewn with gravestones and skeletons. He shielded his eyes when walking by for the first few times, and then, he said, "maybe if I look at it a lot, I will think it is funny." Then, he wanted to try looking at it. After a couple of times, he was ready to look at it in detail. Then, he was fine, and thought it was fun. He tells me he loves me often, as well as his other family members. He still loves his school, and has started saying that he has friends there, "I have three friends: Jack, Liam, and Kenny."
The other day, Noah took a pair of sewing scissors to Nano's headphones, unbeknownst to us. One morning, Nano discovered the headphones clipped, rendered inoperable. He asked me what had happened, and I said I thought it was Noah. I suggested that he handle it by asking Noah, "Do you know anything about this?" Nano brought it up with Noah in that way, who responded, "Um, maybe someone cut it or something? I think maybe it was Simon." Then, he brought him over to Simon's jumper toy, and said, "Look!" There was another thing destroyed -- the strap holding up the seat was 1/4 of the way snipped. Nano didn't say anything else.
Later, I approached Noah, and said, "Noah, I think you cut Papa's headphones, and Simon's toy. It's not okay to cut things. Scissors are for cutting paper. If you want to experiment, and practice cutting other things, you have to tell me, and I can help you find something. It's not okay to play with scissors. I'm going to have to keep them far away from you until I can trust you again. I'm going to keep them up here in the cabinet. Do you think that's a good place?" (He has been known to try to reach in the tall cabinet with a chair.) "Um, maybe you should put it up on the refrigerator," he answered.
I took this approach thanks to the research suggesting that all children learn to lie, and that it is actually a normal part of development. Rather than trying to get them to admit it, they say to just say what you think happened, and what the consequence is. This advice was right on!
Today, Scarlett came to visit, and she wanted to play with the clown game, one in which you balance balls on the clown, and try not to make him topple over. Noah adamantly said, "no!" It became a match of wills, and started to escalate. I said to him, "Noah, Scarlett really wants to play with this game, but you don't want to. Can you tell me what the problem is? Why do you not want to play?" He said, "The clown always falls down!" So, I said, "Can you think of what we can do? Maybe you can play with these pieces, but leave the clown in the box?" They both agreed and went to play happily. Well, that is, until Noah's version of the game was to then knock over Scarlett's pieces, which made her very angry!
Parenting a 3 year old is constantly negotiating, putting out fires, trying to be creative, trying to keep a general semblance of normalcy, and constantly picking up what looks like the remains of a tornado running through the house. It is exhausting, though of course, also rewarding! It is really hard to be "on" all the time, and successfully deal with all the behavioral stuff. My most recent challenge is how to deal with Noah being too rough with Simon. He will slide into him, roll over onto him, and push him down. Most of the time, it is really just a simple issue of him not knowing his own strength, but not being willing to modify it. I'm going to have to think about how to deal with this one!
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