Surviving the first 3 months

Noah is now over 3 months old, and the changes he has gone through in the last three months are incredible. There were few tranquil moments in the early days of his life outside the womb. I remember that we asked the doctor at our second visit, when he was about a week old, whether it was normal for him to be either crying or sleeping almost all of the time. He cried for 3 hours straight most evenings in the first several weeks, and nothing we tried would calm him. Well, sometimes things would work at first, but his pout would erupt into even louder screeching after a maximum of 3 minutes. Holding him was not enough during his unsettled moments. Rocking him was a joke. We swaddled him and tried dancing to Beatles music. However, it only worked if we were bouncing so hard we could not last more than 5 minutes ourselves before becoming exhausted. We tried swinging him in the car seat, but we may as well have been swinging him over the seventh ring of hell the way he wailed. His cute infant seat guaranteed screams of utter despair. Nano took him for a spin in the car, and the resulting screaming was almost enough to shatter the car windows. We took turns trying to calm him, and each time we handed him off to the other, we fretted with frustration and failure.

For newborn Noah, one of the very worst infant torture mechanisms ever invented was the diaper change. As soon as we laid him on the changing mat, the ends of his mouth twisted into a frown, his eyes pinned shut, and the wailing began. We tried getting a wipes warmer, thinking that it might be the cold against his skin causing discomfort, but his warm wipe wailing equaled that of the cold wipes. We pitched all clothes that were not easy to get on and off, and only used pajamas with feet and snaps, but even still, it seemed to take us an eternity to get the snaps snapped.

We soon started to look for help. We called friends to see what had worked with their babies, and no one had had an experience like ours. "Well, we've been lucky, he's an easy baby," or "We had to wake him up to feed because he slept all the time" was all we got. They asked us if we had tried holding him, or swaddling him, which was like Baby Calming 101 for us. We resorted to the internet for ideas, and found new tips, like turning on the vacuum cleaner, or putting him in the car seat on top of the running dryer (supervised, of course). The vacuum cleaner worked once, and we never tried the dryer because it's too cold in our basement. We tried the 5 S's of Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block -- swaddling, side/stomach position, shushing, swinging, and sucking. Nothing worked. No one told us it could be this hard. But then again, only on the internet did we find stories of babies that were as "fussy" as ours. All the resources said was that the fussiness would subside by 12 weeks. We were on week 2. There was no way we could make it for 10 more weeks without checking into the looney bin.

At that early doctor's visit, they suggested it could be something in my diet. She said it could be diary, soy, beans and legumes, or the broccoli family. I decided to start with dairy and beans. According to articles on the internet, dairy was one of the only things to have been proven to be connected to allergies in babies, so it made sense to start there. Milk and (especially) cheese were consumed in great quantities at our house, so it was a new challenge to try to go dairy free, but I was willing to do anything to stop the crying. It can take quite a while for all the dairy to get out of your system, but I cut it out in chunks. I continued to consume some dairy most days in things like pancakes or chocolate for a while. One night I ate a piece of flan, not thinking about the fact that it is pure, thick dairy. That night he awoke crying every 30 minutes to an hour. Eventually, I cut out all the dairy, including almost all chocolate (I've found at least one that is dairy free).

The insane crying eventually diminished. We also invested in an infant swing, which allowed us to make and eat dinner, and a couple of hands free carriers that allowed me to get things done while having him with me. We also introduced the pacifier around week 2-3. He fought it at first, but finally took it once and allowed the sucking to sooth him. We started playing an mp3 of womb sounds at full blast next to him while he was sleeping, and that really seemed to help.

Looking back, I think part of the difficulty was certainly the dairy causing discomfort (he is still sensitive to dairy, as well as soy). Part of it was also probably the transfer from a warm, safe soft, protected environment where all needs were automatically met, to a cold environment where one had to be fed, warmed and changed. Part of it was probably just inevitable.

I think back to that newborn and realize he is miles away from the little baby we have now, who instead screams from the sheer pleasure of seeing his feet kick the toys in the baby gym. He now loves to have his diaper changed, and makes some of the most beautiful smiles and laughs in those moments. He is entertained in the infant car seat enough to let me take a shower in the morning. He likes listening to music. He settles when I bounce him. He likes his pacifier when he's tired, but rejects it from time to time. The one thing that probably hasn't changed much is his aversion to the car, though there is still a one in two chance that he might do okay, at least for about 15 minutes.

He did also have moments of amazing, beautiful wakefulness in those early weeks, especially in the mornings. I swear he imitated me sticking out out my tongue and opening my mouth. Here is a video of one of those wonderful wakeful moments of the early days.





So, here are some thoughts on how we got through the first several weeks...


Top baby survival items:

1. Pacifiers - you have to be willing to convince them to take it -- they may not want it at first, but it will help oh so much until they can learn to suck their hand or thumb

2. Infant swing - not just any swing, it has to be a nice, comfy cradle swing. We swear by the fisher price cradle swing.

3. Hands-free carriers - Nano used the Snuggli, I got the Moby wrap. They allow you to not break your back or wear out your arms. The wrap keeps them swaddled against you, just like when they were in the womb.

4. Really good swaddle -- the miracle swaddle is great, but you can use a regular swaddle blanket if it is big enough and you wrap it tight enough. Learn how to do them up really tight -- there are great examples on youtube. Babies will bust their arms right out of those velcro ones they sell at babies r us, so don't bother with that.

5. Mp3/cd of womb sounds - we downloaded them from the internet and played these by his bedside when he was sleeping at night. It helped a ton to lengthen his sleep time.

6. Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block - it really helps to understand the first 3 months, and the dvd is great to show you how to actually implement the techniques. I don't think we did them quite right at first, though Noah really needed the extreme level of all of them (e.g., shushing didn't work, but womb sounds blasting did work).

7. Infant seat - eventually very helpful if you need to go to the potty & can't leave your baby with someone else, or have to set him down while putting on a baby carrier.

8. Black-out shades -- these have allowed us to get a few extra winks in the morning, and also lets us block out the light when he is over-stimulated.

Top Baby Survival Strategies

1. Patience

2. Split up the nights. Nano took the first half, 9 to 1 or 2, and I took the second, 2 to 6 or 7. Even though I was breastfeeding and had to feed every two hours, at least I didn't have to burp him afterwards, or wait for him to need a burp 15 minutes after I fed him. It's better to have 2 half-sleep deprived parents than 2 completely sleep-deprived parents.

3. Work in shifts. When baby is crying inconsolably, and it is not diaper or food that is needed, work in shifts of 15-20 minutes in order to give yourself a time out, and not get to frustrated with the situation. Recharge your batteries while the other is trying to meet the baby's needs. As all the books say, when all else fails, and you are exhausted, put the baby in a safe place and let him cry while you re-charge for a few minutes. We didn't have to do this since there were two of us most of the time, but I can see how it might be necessary if you are by yourself.

4. Ask for help. I know all the books say it, but let's get more specific. The first 4-6 weeks post partum is one of the most emotional and vulnerable periods of a woman's life. Mom is trying to meet baby's needs for food, love and security, and is usually working on a sleep and energy deficit, since you never really get time to relax or sleep once you go into labor. It is important to have non-intrusive help from someone you trust and with whom you can share your vulnerabilities. Help with food and housework is essential. This is in addition to hubby, who should be helping out too.

5. Dad, take over basic chores for 4-6 weeks. Mom is focusing on baby's needs, and while all the books say to let the housework go, no one wants to live in a pigsty. Dishes, laundry, and picking up around the house will keep things running. Offer her lots of fluids, and find a way to procure food.