Becoming a mother and returning to work

REVIVING AN OLD POST

I just ran across this post from 2009 and thought I would try to get it edited for posting.
*********************************************************************************

Ever since Noah came into my life, I have been continually surprised and amazed at the intensity of emotions related to motherhood. Above all, I never thought being a mother could be so meaningful. Up until I was about 27, I couldn’t even imagine myself having kids. I never would have imagined even considering being a stay at home mom – career was always important to me (though I certainly made my share of compromises for work-life balance).

Then came Noah. The first 6 weeks of were intense; we were overwhelmed. I had no idea there would be times (several occasions, for several hours) when we couldn’t console him, even while trying every trick in the book. Then, by the time he was 6 months old, the only thing I wanted was to stay home with him for a couple of years. It was a challenge to find a care provider I felt comfortable with; I just couldn’t imagine entrusting the most treasured, vulnerable living creature to a total stranger. Thank goodness we found someone wonderful who loves him (and whom he loves) very much.

In short, my expectations were totally off. I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I had no idea how to calm a baby. I had no idea that the beginning would be so hard. And, I had no idea that having a child would mean experiencing a love that was like a high, a surge of endorphins at every smile, every new accomplishment, every expression of his being.

As part of a class I took last semester on qualitative research methods, I conducted a survey on becoming a mother and returning to work (or not) and distributed it to a local breastfeeding resource center (and to friends and friends of friends). I also talked to a few women who were kind enough to respond to my email and devote their time to an interview. I wanted to post what I found publicly to whet the curiosity of those who were so generous with their time to answer my questions.

Part 1: Survey Responses

The survey sample is not at all random, so it is only “representative” of highly-educated, mostly white women. Here are some sample statistics:

Race, age, ethnicity:
Hispanic origin 2.9
White 90.7

Marital status:
Maried, spouse present 95.7
Divorced 2.2
Never married 1.5

Socioeconomic status:
Some college 6.5
Bachelors 39.6
Masters, Prof Degree, PhD 54.0
Own home 87.8

Type of birth:
Singleton birth 97.1

Observations 139


The Surprises of Motherhood

When asked what women were surprised about during the first 6 weeks of motherhood, women mentioned (i) the difficulty of meeting the needs of their newborns, (ii) their own exhaustion, (iii) the intensity of love and amazement they felt for their new babies, and (iv) the new sense of responsibility and their change in identity as a person.

Janice is a good example of the mix of emotions and surprises experienced by many women:

First, I could not believe how much I was in love with my child. I had no idea that I would feel that level of love. Second, I was surprised by how difficult it all was. The lack of sleep. Not knowing what the baby’s needs were. Trying to balance my marriage. Feeling overwhelmed by my lack of knowledge/experience. I was surprised at how anxious and nervous I felt - it was wonderful and difficult at the same time. And no one really warned me about it being hard!

The survey asked the open ended-ended question “Thinking back to the first 6 weeks of being a mother, what surprised you most about what motherhood was really like?” Out of the respondents, 38 percent discussed how difficult the first six weeks of being a mother was for them. Mothers described this time as “overwhelming,” “all-consuming,” “relentless,” and “like being a light bulb that was always on.” A few women were surprised that they constantly had to soothe their crying or “colicky” infants (and that they were often unsuccessful); one mentioned how “difficult it was to leave the house.” Another described surprise at “the incessant tie to another human who needed me for everything.” A full 15 percent of respondents specifically mentioned the difficulty of breastfeeding (many may have been in contact with the breastfeeding resource center due to this difficulty).

Mothers were also surprised by the level of exhaustion and sleep deprivation, specifically mentioned by 31 percent of the sample. While many probably expected to be tired, few apparently expected the level of sleep deprivation and/or exhaustion they experienced. As two woman explained, “the pure exhaustion that I felt really surprised me. I expected to be tired, but not to the level in which I was,” and “I did not realize how profound sleep deprivation could be.” Another new mother wondered “if I will ever sleep again.”

Many women also described being surprised at the rewards of motherhood and the attachment they felt for their infants. About 16 percent of women described surprise at how “amazing,” and “rewarding” motherhood was, as well as at feeling “happy,” “overjoyed with love,” and “more in love than I had ever imagined.” One woman stated, “It was a depth of love that I never knew existed…complete and unconditional in every way.” Often, new mothers felt this intensity of emotion simultaneously with their feelings of being overwhelmed: they were surprised at “how I could be so tired and so happy at the same time,” “how rewarding yet hard it is,” and “how much you can love a person you just met, even with little to no sleep.”

Another 16 percent of women mentioned surprise at either the new sense of responsibility or a change in their identity. Women were surprised at “how completely life-altering it is,” and described a “change in worldview.” As one woman explained, “[I was surprised] that there isn't a sense of normal anymore, everything is topsy-turvy. It takes 6 to 8 weeks to start to feel a sense of normal in everyday life.” Meanwhile, another said she “felt genuinely surprised about how different I felt as a mother- difficult to put into words.” For some, the transformation was transcendent, “I had become a different person, all my values and judgments were altered. I became someone new;” “[I was surprised at] the notion that I now had a completely different identity. How did my new identity as a mother mesh with my idea of myself prior to becoming a mom?”

Returning to Work

Most women in the U.S. who will eventually return to work do so within 3 months. In contrast to almost every other country, the U.S. has no federally mandated paid maternity leave. In some states, there is mandated disability leave to cover some portion of one’s pay while out on maternity leave. At the federal level, the Family and Medical Leave Act guarantees 12 weeks of unpaid leave to eligible women (must have worked 1,250 hours over the last year at an employer of 50 or more employees). However, many women struggle with the balance between work and family. They need or desire to return to work, but they also need and desire to spend quality time with their children.

In the survey of women I conducted, I asked about plans during pregnancy and what women actually did in terms of return to work. I was hoping to capture the extent to which women actually do what they plan to. Interestingly, almost half of women who, during their pregnancy, planned to stay home once the baby was born ended up returning to work (at part-time status), and 1 out of every 4 women who planned to return to work full-time ended up going back part-time instead (table 2).

Table 2. Plans to return versus actual return

Plans to return Actual return
None Part-time Full-time Total
None 52.6 47.4 0.0 100.0
Part-time 0.0 83.9 16.1 100.0
Full-time 3.8 25.3 71.0 100.0
Total 10.1 42.6 47.3 100.0


To probe the role financial obligations may play in women’s return to work, I asked the question, “which of the following reasons best explains why you returned to work, (i) I wanted to return to work for my own personal satisfaction, (ii) I had to return for financial reasons, (iii) both (i) and (ii), or (iv) some other reason.” Overall, 31 percent of the women returning to work did so for purely financial reasons, while 52 percent returned both for financial reasons and for personal satisfaction. Only 11 percent did so for personal satisfaction alone.

I also asked women about their ideal working situation. Most of these women want to work, though their ideal working situation is to work part-time for the first few years after birth (table 3). Only 10 percent of women would ideally work full-time during the first 11 months of a child’s life, increasing to 17 percent by the end of the second year, and to 29 percent by the end of the child’s fourth year. In contrast, the vast majority would ideally work part-time, either from home or from the worksite, within the first year of their child’s life. Only a minority of these mothers would work full-time in an ideal world (46.4 percent by ages 5-10 of child).

Table 3. Ideal work situation at given ages of child

Part-time?

Part-time work and flexible workplaces may indeed facilitate a more comfortable balance between work and family. While women were not asked specifically about this issue, the message came across loud and clear in general comments women were allowed to make at the end of the survey. Below are some of the comments they made.

I wish I could afford to just work a few days a week as I find it hard to "keep it all together" (home, family, friends, dinners, etc) working full time. I also miss my son terribly even though he is now 14 months old.

It was fairly easy to combine part-time work with parenting…I was and am so grateful for the flexibility of my work schedule (being able to work during naps or after bed-time).

I wish I had more flexibility with my job, would love to be able to work from home, work part-time but it just isn't an option as I am the breadwinner of our family. It makes me a little sad, though proud of my professional accomplishments overall.

I have been very lucky to have a career that allows me to choose how many hours I would like to work and when those hours take place. If I had to work more than a few mornings a week, either for financial reasons or because of a less flexible job situation, I would feel like I was missing out on being a Mom to my 2 young children.

Becoming a mother is the most important and amazing role I could ever play. I was always passionate about my work but that has completely taken a back seat and being a mother comes first. I am grateful that my company was flexible with me working part-time for the first year as well as accommodating me with a nursing/pumping room. Although I balance motherhood and a career, my son comes first.

I was very lucky in my work situation - family business, lots of family care, could bring my baby to work, everything flexible. I can't imagine having to do otherwise.

I wouldn't trade my children for anything. I wish I didn't have to work so much so I could spend more time with them. I wish I was the primary caregiver...right now my husband stays home with the kids full-time while I work full-time, plus as much overtime as I can get.

While I believe that working is important, and love what I do, I often feel guilty about not spending more time with my son. In an ideal world, I would work part-time and spend much more time with my family.

I wouldn't have changed anything, but would have preferred having been aligned with an employer that would at least entertain a flexible full-time schedule upon return from maternity leave.

Part 2: Interview Responses

After conducting the survey, I met with five women generous enough with their time to provide their perspectives in person (I was highly constrained by time for this class; ideally, I would interview many more women). Of these five women, four planned to return at full-time status following the birth of their child, and only one did so, while the other three returned at part-time status. Of these three women, two then shifted to full-time status within a month; meanwhile the one who returned at full-time status then shifted to part-time status after one month. The fifth woman planned to stay home with her child indefinitely, and eventually returned at part-time status.

Several themes regarding the roles of work and motherhood emerged here. First, becoming a mother has clearly shifted the women’s priorities, but work remains important in their lives. Second, all of these women were at transition points in their careers, unrelated to pregnancy, when they had their first child. Third, work at part-time status often evolved as an option only after the birth, rather than during the pregnancy. Finally, becoming a mother has had definite implications for their career trajectories.

1. Priorities and identity.

The women I spoke with described the role of work in their lives before the birth of their first child as both important and having consumed most of their time. For them, work was “what I did with most of my time,” “sort of my entire life,” “a big priority in my life,” and “other than my relationship with my husband, it was the biggest thing in my life.”

Following the birth of their first child, priorities shifted. Some put career-related plans on hold, but all put their children first when making decisions. As the women describe it, “the things I had been working on had to take a back seat,” and “work is on the back-burner.” One mother described the change as follows.

Yes, [I have experienced a change in identity], I’m a mother now! I guess I am the same person, have the same personality, the same values, but for everything I do now, my first concern is taking care of my son, and then, how can I make this work for him. In every decision I make, he is a major factor. [Mother of 15 month old, working full-time]

Given these changes in priorities and their new roles as mothers, these women struggled with choices regarding work and family as they transitioned into motherhood. Two women contemplated quitting their jobs (though both eventually returned to work), while another “knew I could not be separated from my child” (and did not return to work for some time). Even after decisions regarding work were made, the struggle continues:

I still struggle, though. I am jealous of my husband. On a busy morning when we are rushing around, I know he gets to leave it all behind; he can read; he can get away. Not having a break starts to get tough. [Mother with 3 children, working 8 hours per week]

It is a delicate balance between wanting to stay with [my daughter] and keeping my sanity. It is definitely a question I am struggling with... I think what it is, is that I know what to expect at work, while I am still getting to know what is expected in the work-mommy situation. I guess I’m still trying to figure it out. [Mother of 8 month old, working full-time]

While work may not be the first priority in these women’s lives, it does remain important to their identity and sense of self. These mothers feel they have invested in their careers, enjoy them, and have skills to contribute to society.

[Work] is important. It has helped remind me that I have skills other than just mothering skills. I think I had forgotten that I had these other skills, and having a job reminded of these skills, got me back to myself, reminded me who I was, that I like and crave intellectual stimulation…not that Curious George is not stimulating, but on a different level. [Mother of 2.5 year old, working 20 hours per week]

I have this career I have invested in; I have an interest in keeping it going. [Mother of 8 month old, working full-time]

I’m different because I have a cool job that I really love. I work both for money reasons and I really enjoy my job. It is very important. I am not the kind of person to sit around and do nothing, I just can’t. It would drive me crazy. [Mother of 7 month old, working full-time]

[Work] is a part of who I am, or an expression of who I am. It enables us to do things we wouldn’t be able to do otherwise, [Mother of 15 month old, working full-time]


2. Career Transitions.

All of the women interviewed were in a point of transition in their own careers when they became pregnant and had their first child. An attorney had shifted from a for-profit firm to a nonprofit organization, a music industry professional lost her job at three months pregnant, and acquired a new position two months prior to the birth, a pharmaceutical worker was looking for a way to shift into the public health arena, and a research analyst and assistant research professor had recently finished their PhDs. For highly-educated women, motherhood is often delayed until education is completed or certain career goals are met. The transition to motherhood, then, may occur at a time in the career path when these women are still establishing themselves in new positions, thus compounding the difficulty of decision-making around return to work. As one mother explained,

When I took the job, I was going into it knowing what the stakes were, what it meant if I were to walk away and how difficult it would be to get back. I knew that if I got a job before having a child, though, I would have more options than if I waited until after she was born. [Mother of 2.5 year old, working 20 hours per week]

3. Returning to work and part-time options.

Of the four women who were planning to return to work full-time, all four planned to do so in part because they did not perceive that part-time work would be an option. One said that she had secretly hoped she could go back at part-time status indefinitely, but ended up not bringing it up with her employer at all once she returned. Two women were at new jobs when they were pregnant, and explained, “I knew it was the thing to say, it [full-time return] was what the employer wanted to hear... I just said what I needed to in order to maintain the position,” and “I wanted to [return to] work full-time because it was the only option presented. I would have considered part-time if it were feasible. I didn’t even broach the subject, since I was at a new job.”

For two of the four women planning to return to work, the anticipation of return was daunting, and the actual return was difficult. One mother returned 3 days a week, and said the separation was difficult. Although she had hoped to remain at part-time status, she felt it was not possible given the workload of her employer. She found the transition back to work difficult:

When I first left, it was really hard. It lasted a couple of weeks, just feeling I was in a fog, just knowing that there were hours when I did not know what he was doing, and he didn’t know what I was doing, the fact that I had a whole life separate from him. It was really weird, like being in a dream…. The whole time [I was away], I was wondering if he was okay, was he still sleeping. I thought, ‘He’s going to wake up and not know where his parents are.’ When we picked him up, he was totally spaced out, in a swing, had a far-away look. My [family member] said, ‘don’t assign your own sadness and paranoia to him,’ but I guess I couldn’t help it. [Mother of 15 month old, working full-time]

The other mother experiencing difficulty returning to work did so at full-time status for one month, and then negotiated a change in her position to part time work. In her words,

[I felt] horrible [during my leave about returning to work]. It was just, like the logistics, how is this going to happen? Who’s going to take care of her? How am I going to pump? It was all so daunting…I think [my daughter] probably spent most of her time [at day care] in the swing, and that just wasn’t okay with me. It was not a sacrifice I felt was worth it. My job was not more important to me than all that. And, we had the luxury that I could afford to go part time. It’s tight, but doable. A lot of people don’t have that. [Mother of 2.5 year old, working 20 hours per week]

For two other women planning to return to work, the return was something they anticipated positively:

Part of me was really looking forward to it. I had been keeping up with email, and had been in the office twice…I didn’t feel like I could take on the world, but it was kind of nice to get into the office a couple of days a week, especially for the social aspect. I was not looking forward to waking up early and being stressed, so I had mixed feelings, but tending towards positive. [Mother of 8 month old, working full-time]

When I went back, it was a relief to go to work. I had huge cabin fever, I mean, I was with [my son] all the time, 24/7...However, once I was back at work, I was calling every half an hour. I was a little nervous about leaving him with [his care provider]. [Mother of 7 month old, working full-time]

The only clear difference between the women who anticipated their return positively and those who did not was the availability of close family members (grandmother or father) to care for their child upon their return to work. The two women who found separation difficult were relying on institutional day cares as their care provider. Without more observations, however, it would be difficult to determine whether this association is more than just coincidence.

For women who returned at part-time status upon return, the option came up only after the birth. For one women, this change was the only way she felt she could continue working:

I was working in 50 locations around the city, driving around, talking to [people], so I had to go out into the car to pump. It was just miserable. In order to keep up with the milk she needed, I had to pump and pump and pump. I was in the car all day long, not to mention there was little privacy. Sitting there pumping in the car I thought, I didn’t work this hard to sit here and pump in my car. I thought about quitting flat out, but knew I still had a lot to offer, but just needed some flexibility. I don’t think it ever occurred to me to even consider going back part-time. It only occurred to me after the fact, when I thought, ‘well, full-time doesn’t work, no time doesn’t work, what could work?’ [Mother of 2.5 year old, working 20 hours per week]

For another mother, return at part-time status was never discussed but simply happened:

It was kindof unspoken when I went back at part-time status. My husband is a big believer in “ask for forgiveness, not for permission.” I also felt like I was in a position through showing I was committed to coming back, responding to emails, etc., that I had earned credit for. I didn’t announce it. I would just leave early, or not go in on Friday. No one ever said anything and they didn’t fire me. It was slightly under the radar. Going back part-time is less traumatic than going back one day and having your boss say, here is the pile of work for the last three months. During the early years, I like the idea of part time. If my job had to be full-time, this job is good because it has good flexibility. [Mother of 8 month old, working full-time]

Therefore, the women who planned to return to work were mixed in their feelings about the return, with those having close family to rely upon for providing care to their children feeling more positive. In most cases where women returned to work at part-time status, the option only became a possibility for them after they had transitioned to motherhood, perhaps because they did not have the leverage with which to negotiate such a return at the time they were negotiating their leave.

Only one woman I spoke with had planned to stay home indefinitely. However, she eventually returned to work when her first child was 3.5 years old. She returned to work only because it was a unique opportunity for her to get a foot in the door in a new career, and felt it was an offer she could not refuse:

I started working one day per month when my first child was 3.5 (and my son was 8 weeks old). I took this job because it was an opportunity I could not refuse. I wanted to change careers, and this job would let me work in [in the new field] and get started in [this career]. It was too good to pass up. [Mother of 3 children working 8 hours per week]

Part-time status was the work arrangement preferred by all but one of the respondents for the first four years of their children’s lives. Even the mother who planned to stay home with her child said she would have returned to work at part-time status after a year or even sooner if she had had a job she were passionate about at the time. The reasons that those who would have preferred part-time work were working full-time varied, and were not merely financial. For example, one woman felt the workload was too high for the organization to work part time, and wanted to help her boss. Furthermore, she was not sure if she could find a part-time position elsewhere that would pay enough to make it worth her time. While these professional women may prefer part-time status, the reality is that part-time jobs for professionals are not easy to find, and supervisors may be reluctant to agree to them, even for existing employees.

4. Career Trajectories.

Several women felt that their career trajectory had been different because they had become mothers. Specifically, they mentioned not being able to work the extra hours necessary to excel, do the travel required to obtain a higher position, and not wanting to take on new responsibilities. However, all of them were comfortable with where they were in their careers, and were happy to not pursue such goals in order to spend more time with their children. Despite being an extremely highly educated group, almost all of the women recoiled when I asked whether they considered themselves “career-oriented” women. Several specifically mentioned they were not particularly ambitious, or talked about decisions they had made previously in their career that implied a more low-key lifestyle, rather than taking a high-powered career route.

The women I interviewed had all invested heavily in their careers and are in highly remunerated professional positions. While having had children may have impacted their career trajectory, they are still able to contribute to their fields while making time available to be with their children.

Discussion

The survey findings signal that becoming a mother can be a challenge at first, but is highly rewarding. The themes resulting from the interviews suggest that motherhood may alter women’s career paths for more than one reason – first, they may already be at a transition point in their career to begin with, rather than highly attached to the labor force, second, motherhood changes one’s priorities, and third, new mothers may make decisions to facilitate the work-family balance (such as work fewer hours or take on less additional work/responsibility in order to have more time to spend with their children). Decisions to make work more compatible with motherhood (taking on fewer hours, less travel, and/or less responsibility) may imply lower earnings and/or less ladder-climbing, which may help explain differences in earnings between mothers and non-mothers. However, it is important to recognize that these choices appear to be made consciously and gladly by mothers.