Naming feelings and sibling rivalry

One of the things we spend a lot of time doing with Noah is learning to understand and name our feelings. He is just starting to be aware of how he is feeling when he is very hungry and cranky (and therefore non-stop crying), but he has been aware of some feelings (like anger) for some time.

Another thing we spend a lot of time doing with the kids is dealing with sibling showdowns. Multiple times a day, Simon and Noah both want the same toy. It doesn't matter what it is -- Simon will be playing with a train, and Noah will go up and take it. Simon will scream and cry. Noah will turn or run away. I will try to convince Noah to give it back, or distract Simon by finding another toy or activity. Or, I will try to distract Noah by showing him some other toy or activity. This is a huge effort that takes up a lot of time! Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

Yesterday morning, Simon was holding a track riser (a small plastic piece used to hold up the plastic train tracks). Noah came and took it from him. Simon started to scream and cry. I told him to give it back and he didn't. Then, I said I was disappointed with his choice not to give it back. He then placed it on top of the shelf. Meanwhile, I had found another one for Simon, and suddenly Simon ended up with two. Then Noah started to scream and cry because he wanted one. Eventually, I gave him one, and Simon another one. Then Noah screamed and cried because he wanted 3 like Simon had. I finally went to get him another one. Then Noah screamed and cried because he wanted to have MORE than Simon! During all this, I had also been setting up the breakfast bar for them to eat, and by the second instance, they were sitting in front of the food and not eating. Around the middle of this screaming and crying match, I knew that Noah was just very HUNGRY as he had not eaten yet that morning. (He was also probably tired as he was still recovering from the trip he took with his dad where he stayed up a lot later than normal). So, I told him he could not stop crying because his tummy was empty. He had to fill it up in order to feel better. He finally started to eat about 5 minutes after I drew the line at not giving him more of these "toys" than Simon and told him he had to eat (that is, after 5 more minutes of crying!). Once the episode was over, I pointed out to him that he felt better because he had eaten, and he had just been really hungry. Later, he told Jill that he had been "really really crying like crazy" because he had been hungry that morning. So, I think he got it (even though in the moment, he still can't recognize it yet).

A while ago, we had an incident in the bathtub where it was time to wash Noah's hair. Noah hates getting his hair washed. He always has -- ever since he was maybe 18 months. Now, at almost 5, he tolerates it...sometimes! Usually he is adamant that he does not want to wash his hair. On one of these occasions, Nano decided it was time to wash his hair, and just started to wet it and add soap. Noah lost it -- he started to scream and cry, and his whole body began to shake. I looked at him and thought, "wow, he is feeling completely and utterly powerless." It took him a while to recover after the event was over, I think I soothed him in the rocking chair, and talked about what had happened. I told him that when his dad started to wash his hair, he felt like he had no power. Next time we should ask him for permission, and respect his decision. He eventually calmed down. He really seemed to get the power thought.

Fast-forward to this morning.

This morning, Simon was playing with the Salty train on the train tracks. Noah came and took it away. Simon cried. I convinced Noah to play with the Thomas instead, and Simon got Salty back. Then, Noah got Stepney's red (cat) toy and started to play with it, but Simon wanted it and started to say, "It's mine!" while crying and very upset. I gave Simon a different toy to show the cat. Eventually, they moved on to something else. Then, Simon picked up the red cat toy and started to use it with Stepney. Noah then grabbed it out of his hands. I was in the kitchen and they were in the play room. I heard Simon become completely distraught about having lost control over the toy once again. He was crying and extremely upset. Noah came into the kitchen, and I said to him, "Noah, do you remember how you felt when Papa washed your hair and you didn't want him to? You felt like you didn't have any power. That is how Simon is feeling right now. He feels like he has no power." Noah suddenly got it. He looked concerned, and immediately went over and gave the toy back to Simon. He said, "Here you go, you can have it." And from that moment on, the rest of the morning, Noah was very sweet and understanding with Simon. He suddenly made up a game for them to play together, by showing Simon what to do. He said, "Simon, Look!" and started to run with tiny steps over to the couch, then bang into the couch and make some exclamation. Simon immediately smiled and followed suite. The two of them repeated the new game multiple times and then sat down for breakfast.

It's amazing how far 5 is from 3, or 4, or 2 for that matter. Noah could finally empathize with Simon, if only briefly, and it completely changed his approach with him this morning. We shall see what other mornings bring!